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I have been waiting to die my entire life. After all what is the point of working at a job you hate, being in debt and never fitting in.
Then as I read the Bible, I learned that I was a Spirit, who has a Soul and I live in a Body. That when I die, I leave this body, but my Spirit never dies. My Spirit will go to Heaven or Hell. I was like "Crap! So if I kill myself, I am not really dead, I am just going to someplace else?" I was just mad. I don't see the point in living in this body. I hate by body. I think I am fat, not pretty and I have no talent and not good at anything. I like to write and that is about it, not like anyone wants to publish me. I have been rejected by all the top publishing houses. Now I self publish and it is not like I am getting rich at that either. So I want to go to Heaven, so I can't kill myself. What am I suppose to do?
I decided to live, but I would medicate myself so I won't have to deal with reality.
I have abused alcohol. I have am a cutter and have cut myself multiple times. I starve myself to lose weight. I abuse over the counter medicine. I was a mess, barely hanging on.
On night I couldn't handle life. I wanted a drink so bad, I was trembling. It felt as if bugs or ants were crawling all over me. I took some over the counter cough medicine, a lot. That couldn't calm me down. So I got out of bed, grabbed a knife and cut my legs from my ankle up to my thigh, on each leg, Blood dripped on the bathroom floor.
I grabbed a black marker and started writing on the bathroom walls, poems of sorts.
Cut, Cut Cut
See you on the other side.
I wrote until the bathroom walls were covered in short poems, about death and cutting myself.
I took more cold medicine and went to bed. I was lying on my side, facing the wall, when I felt someone sit on the bed. The mattress sank a bit as if someone was sitting on the edge of the bed.
I didn't roll over. Then I felt someone touch my arm, and warmth washed over me. I felt the Love Of Jesus upon me. I felt peace.
I then felt the mattress rise as if someone stood up and no longer sitting next to me. I rolled over and no one and nothing was there.
I knew it was Jesus. Jesus came to me at my darkest hour in life.
I told a couple of people what happened, but no one believed me. That is okay. I know what happened that night.
I have cut my legs and over medicated myself that night, and I still woke up the next morning in time to go to work.
Jesus will do the same for you.
Jesus will meet you where you are at.
Have Faith In God.
Look up and just say, "Jesus" He will meet you where you are.
"Jesus, I need you!" Scream it aloud or in a whisper.
Jesus is waiting for you to call His name.
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